The Back Catalog Of A Band (That Dosen't Exist Yet)

What can I say? I'm a day dreamer. I will spend most of my day thinking about how, one day, I'll make artistic decisions for my band, five, ten, fifteen years down the road: how our sound will evolve and mutate, what our songs will be about, what our album covers will look like, I think about it all. Here, I'll share with you how I plan my band, Jerk Jerk and the Dolphins will work out over the years.

Debut Album: Sedro!

So the band finally gets together and we start writing an album, it will be called Sedro! and will be about nothing in particular. I'll try to be tuneful, putting my best foot forward with verse/chorus/verse songs clocking in between 2:30 and 3:30 minutes.
What it will sound like

Second Album: Children De La Luna

We make it fairly big and get a indie record deal where I have to enough artistic freedom to make as pretentious an album as possible. As you can see by the front cover, I have an image from the silent turn of the century sci-fi film Voyage De La Lune and a pretty gay font to boot. The album will be studied inside and out over its cryptic meaning, is it about life? love? the beyond? It will be on NME's top indie albums of the decade, and it will all a hoax. What the album really is about is smoking marijuana. As a result of the copious marijuana consumption, it will take on a heavier, slower tone musically, with spacey lyrics about whats inside my fridge or the best way to jerk off. The Verse/Chorus/Verse deal is pretty much gone, letting us jam on as much god awful noise as we can stomach.
What it will sound like

First EP: Super Fuck Volume One

At this point, we'll be so full of unwarranted self importance, we'll hate our fans and we'll decide we need to let them know it. So we release Super Fuck Volume One, an EP you could barely call an music, let alone a collection of songs. It will sound something akin to playing our instruments out of tune, drunk and high on pills and paint thinner, played in a bathroom, and recorded on a $29.99 radio shack Dictaphone.
What it will sound like

Second EP: Super Fuck Volume Two

After we get bored alienating our audience, we go all out into making actual music, although still harsh and untuneful to the uninitiated, It will be lauded as a minor masterpiece (in spite of the pornographic artwork) on our part as it will be the first record to feature me playing nothing but a Sitar.
What it will sound like

Third Album: Love

So we take a year off the back of the immensely successful Children De La Luna/Super Fuck world tour, and we brood. Maybe its the serious drug addiction in the band, or maybe its the bitter divorce or two, but when our third album comes out, something's not quite right. "how bad can an album called 'Love' be?" our audience asks, well, think of the word 'love' as defined by a serial killing rapist cannibal necrophile, and it gets pretty messed up.

What it will sound like

To be continued and elaborated upon.

(Written under the influence of the Boredoms)

Gloriously Devious Album Art

You know what I hate? Boring album art. Boring album art is a red flag that says "BORING ALBUM". Now, there's a marked difference between a boring album art and understated album art. Murder by Death's "Who Will Survive and What Will Be Left of Them?" is a fine example of understated album art, you could call it boring, but the band itself is fairly understated (read boring) all round so it fits.

Okay, geez, I'm not proving any points here, okay. Album art I cant stand inevitably comes from the top forty, where music I can't stand is its roommate. So few kids, and other consumers of the top forty, buy CD's anymore, so major labels put less and less emphasis on the album cover, they figure, "hey, throw an attractive head shot, some marketable bullshit and hey, maybe a pop culture reference?" and why should they think any different? None of the consumers of that bullshit care. At best its going to be a tiny resolution picture on their media player, at worst, it will be one song, the single, in some folder and it wont have even been payed for.

Lou Reed

Rihanna

But I'm not on of these consumers, I'm a consumer who obsesses over my iTunes cover flow to make sure every album I have (of which there are many) has a picture of its album art of at least 500x500 in resolution (otherwise its too pixel-ly) so if I'm gonna hunt down all this fucking album art, I better get looking at something at least interesting if not Bizzarre, dumb, gross, morally questionable or just plain sick. So, I've decided to share one or two examples of which I am a proud owner. Bon Appetit.

The Bloodhound Gang - One Fierce Beer Coaster

If anyone was having sleepless nights wondering about the frat credential the Bloodhound Gang, this image soothed them in all its uncircumcised glory.

The Electric Wizard - We Live

Is it wrong to get a little aroused by the smoking nipples of a multi-headed goat bitch? It is? I'm strangely cool with that.

Korn - Korn

This album cover puts me ill-at-ease every time I see it. The album itself isn't really as eerie or as creepy as the cover, but when you put songs like "Daddy" in the context of an image like this, you can't help but be creeped out.

Marilyn Manson - Mechanical Animals

I love this image, love this album and I loved that he made an alternative cover, not for America (who had an issue with the nudity) but for Japan (who were freaked out by the six fingers on his left hand).

Melvins - Houdini

This cover reminds me of those cold-war era cartoons and gives you a juxtaposition of the cheery happy-go-lucky and the impression that somethings not quite right.

Mindless Self Indulgence - Tight

If I felt uneasy at Korn's self eponymous then this cover just made me feel kinda dirty inside, like, c'mon, what the fuck is with those panties?

Nirvana - In Utero

It was well documented that Kurt Cobain had one or two bizarre hangups/fascinations about human reproduction, as well evidenced in this tasteful album cover.

Primus - Frizzle Fry

This is your brain on Primus, and it feels good.

Queens of the Stone Age - Queens of the Stone Age

Queens of the Stone Age represent everything good about California: muscle cars, naked women, marijuana and big, fat, guitar tones - Basically Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Roll. So whats wrong with a good ol' fashioned panty shot? look at the size of her hands. Not saying anything, just saying.

Ramones - Adios Amigos

This cover makes me smile, I mean, who couldn't love dinosaurs in sombreros?

Slayer - Reign In Blood

Aaaah, what can I say about this cover? other then its three things: Satanic, more then vaguely reminiscent of Hieronymus Bosch and FUCKING AWESOME!

(Written under the influence of the Melvins)