So I Herd U Liek Kurt Cobain?

Well, Well, Fucking Well. It seems like Hollywood's back to raping musical idols for cash. In the tradition of "Doors", "Walk the Line" and whatever that one about notorious B.I.G was called, they're planning a movie about Kurt Cobain.

Now, I'm as big a fan of Nirvana as you're likely to come across: I get excited like a school girl every time I hear a Nirvana song for the first time (Listening to the three disc collection of never-before-released songs was so fun it was retarded) so I'm really not adverse to a movie about Nirvana. But knowing that the movie about Kurt Cobain will be 1) not something the man would've ever wanted and 2) is too hot a financial venture to do right.

Kurt Cobain is one of the highest grossing dead celebrities around, right up there with Elvis and Michael Jackson. That, and his wife is an evil, greedy bitch (who may or may not have killed her husband) who'll gladly sell her dead husband (who she may or may not have killed) until he is no longer popular. So its not too far a stretch of the old brain meat to imagine she'd do everything in her power to make her dead husband a product to the only demographic that matters.

Enter Robert Pattinson.

Yes, Robert Fucking Pattinson, is apparently dying to play Kurt Cobain. Cant you hear the tweens now? rocking their Hot Topic Nirvana T-shirts and paying fucking 25 bucks for a CD of Pattinson humping the 7 most marketable Nirvana songs as the soundtrack for the movie? My 12 year old cousin wouldn't listen to Nirvana even I tied her to a couch, but she'll be fucking wearing flannel in no time when Pattinson does it. She'll ask, "have you ever heard of Nirvana?"

I can't tell the difference!

So, in the spirit of Hollywood-Idol-Rape, I decided to throw together some obscene musical biopics for myself, ones I actually wouldn't mind seeing in real life. First off I would like to do a biopic I think is more deserving of Pattinson's talent.

If you don't know who Kunt and the Gang is, you should feel more ashamed then I do for owning all his CD's (and the Live DVD).

I figure Johnny Depp is down with a bit of Tom Waits, I mean who isn't? (who the fuck is Tom Waits?) Okay... shut the fuck up. I figure if Tom was a more high-profile guy, Depp would totally play him.

So, who's Jeff Mangum? Jeff Mangum is the singer/songwriter in Neutral Milk Hotel, and Neutral Milk Hotel made an album called "In The Aeroplane Over the Sea", a bizarre, almost poignant album about Mangum falling in love with Anne Frank. I think this would be a good movie because it would be part bio of Mangum, part spiritual love story, part holocaust study and part musical a la Across the Universe.

As ugly as this poster of Willem Defoe face plastered on to Iggy Pop's body is, I still think it would be an awesome movie.

Admittedly, after Buzz Osbourne teaches Kurt Cobain how to not play guitar like an asshole, like a white, afro'd Mr. Miyagi ("only down picking, Kurt-san, ONLY PICK DOWN!" SLAP!!) this could be a very, very boring movie if you're not into the Melvins. The writers might have to play around with the truth some, possibly making Dale and Buzz an international anti-terrorism force in between tours.

Ah, my cinematic piece de resistance: the Pixies movie. Notice how I've got Jack Black as Frank Black, Scarlette Johansson as Kim Deal, that guy from Harold and Kumar as Joey Santiago and Jason Mewes as David Lovering. This, like Melvins, would be a large departure from the truth. In favor of accuracy I'll make the movie like a live action Josie and the Pussycats, that is, if Josie and the Pussycats had songs about incest and the old testament.

(Written under the influence of Neutral Milk Hotel)

Music Videos That Are A Blatant Fuck You To Fans

Pixies: Here Comes Your Man

so what do you do when you're too lazy to lip sync in a video? open your jaw!

Insane Clown Posse: How Many Times?

So you're gonna make a video of a song where only 50% of the band performs? have the other half sit on the couch!

Melvins: Honey Bucket

So the Melvins elected to perform in front of a bunch of sheep? If this isn't a thinly veiled "Fuck you, fans! Fuck you right in your wallet!" then I don't know what is.

Boris: My Neighbor Satan

You have to hand it to them, they've obviously gone to great lengths to make the most boring music video ever. Even when the song kicks they don't move any more then usual, which makes it twice as bizarre.